HIATUS OVER: If You Fight The Current of Life From Fear & Panic You Will Drown…
23 Apr 2012 Leave a Comment
in LIFE BY DESIGN | DREAMS BY MEASURE, SPIRITUALITY, STARTING FROM SCRATCH
It’s been 3 months exactly to the date, a complete 90-day fast of blogging and I must say that it is GREAT to be back. I embarked upon a much needed break from my life, taking 90 days off from blogging, 60 days off from Facebook, and just as much time away from twitter. WHY THE HIATUS? Because not only was I going through a lot emotionally with unforeseen tumultuous changes having profound effects on some of my relationships, but I was just moving in waters way too deep and I felt as though I was getting ready to drown.
Yesterday I preached a sermon about walking into the wealthy place and the subject of water came up: How life is like the rivers of living water. When we go against the current (flow) all we do is wear ourselves out with exhaustion only to be no further along than we originally were and in most instances when you try to swim against the current, you are pushed further back in the opposite direction. Then I drew the parallel that when you panic and fight the water, you eventually end up causing yourself to drown. When we swim with the current and go with the flow of where it is taking us, we may get tired but our stamina is increased as is our strength, and we eventually find ourselves at the place where the river flows out or to. Likewise, if we find that we are not in the place where we want to go along with it (assisting with our contribution in labor), we can certainly fall back from exerting energy and float. The flow of the current will then carry us to the same destination, it just may take a little longer. Either way we will get where we are meant to go, just by being joined with (being in) the river in the first place.
I found myself in a state of fear and panic a few months ago. I was beginning to drown and knew that the only way to save myself was to surrender to the buoyancy of the river and the cards life was dealing to me at that moment. Needless to say my surrender was met with a CUTTING OFF, a removal FROM and a removal OF many things. In its place was the substitution of TIME WITH ME and the Creator to regroup, rewind, and re-evaluate the position of people, places, things and my posture in life. As I am emerging from my reclusive state of hiatus and withdrawal, while some may believe it was the worst thing I could have possibly done for it was at the height of my popularity (once again); I know deep down inside it was the best thing I could have ever done for myself because sometimes you have to take a few steps backwards in order to reach that goal that takes you stepping out on faith by leaps and bounds.
So today, remember this: In this life you can fight the current and digress farther away from where you were always purposed to be, panic from fear and drown ending all hopes of achieving your goals, go with the flow and build strength on the way to your destiny, or fall back and relax as life carries you where you are meant to end up. Whatever you decide, make sure you DECIDE and don’t lose your SELF in the process!
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IN THE MIDST OF IT ALL…
23 Jan 2012 Leave a Comment
in LIFE BY DESIGN | DREAMS BY MEASURE
I have been going through a WHIRLWIND of EVERY KIND and TYPE these past few weeks. I’m like wait a minute… I thought that was from my last season. But then something in me clicked and I realized that I am still in my 7th year of my 6th cycle of life, I’m 42 years old, and since GODs number of completion is 7 I guess I’m leaving this cycle, or rather completing this cycle with a bang once and for all.
As I have grown beyond measure (and exponentially so these more recent months), I have adopted a different approach to how I operate, how I do things, how I see things, and how I receive things. I am embarking upon new endeavors and while doors are opening and closing for me at alarming rates and levels, I am finding that the process of being still and really searching your spirit and the desires of GOD for your life and His Glory are paramount.
On January 6, 2012 I was met with a very painful and heartfelt event that caused me to SHUT DOWN EVERYTHING I WAS WORKING ON. Of course I am sure it is not by accident I was at the HEIGHT of so many projects.. my film project, tv stuff, etc. My FB popularity was experiencing its largest peak at alarming numbers as my personal page, fan page, group membership and other impressions exceeded 40,000 people. It’s amazing how things happen and how EVERYTHING suddenly became TOO MUCH. I didn’t shut down to run or hide, but to retreat to a place of refuge. The only place I would or could find any peace. I needed to find myself out of the lion’s den and in the secret place of the MOST HIGH under the shadow of the ALMIGHTY. That is where I placed myself and where I still rest. As the LORD continues to perfect me and order my footsteps, I am taking notes on where I’ve made mistakes, where I’ve moved ahead of him and purpose, and where I could have exercised better wisdom and judgment as far as my actions and re-actions to variables and certain stimuli.
While I have found myself in the midst and path of yet another HUGE BUSINESS VENTURE and OPPORTUNITY, I know that the time will come when I will no longer be intimidated or retreated by the SUCCESS which awaits me, nor backed away from it by the adversary’s tactics nor whom those closest to me he would use to hurt my feelings, break my heart, crush my spirit, rob me of my confidence, and steal my joy. As I grow a thicker layer of skin, as I am strong enough to deal with the man in the mirror, I am also finding myself secure and strengthened in the KNOWINGS of the LORD and what He shares with me. I am learning not to be swayed by the naysayers and to not allow doubt nor fear to enter into my mind, heart, or spirit with what the LORD SPEAKS and is commanding me to do.
I have chosen this life and committed to its service. I have to live with my decision, but more than that I have to LOVE through it. I have to love myself through my failures, and love others through their lack of loyalty. In the end, love covers a multitude of faults and sins and there are plenty of both from all of us to go around.
While I have yet to gain the posture of joy back I once had before the ‘event’ of January 6th I know that healing is on its way and my arms are outstretched wide to receive.
NEW BEGINNINGS
20 Jan 2012 Leave a Comment
in LIFE BY DESIGN | DREAMS BY MEASURE
It’s been about two weeks since my last post and as usual, it was yet another life event that was the cause. I am a person who has historically been driven by my heart, my sentiments, my feelings, and my emotions. I am a true spiritual being having a soul experience in the presence of a body. I also must admit that I am a little too slow on some things and way too fast on others. One of the slowest lessons I’ve had to learn in this life is the lesson of PEOPLE… Oh me oh my when I tell you… PEOPLE. Um um um.
For the life of me I have had most of my traumas, hardships, anguish, and tragedies over people. I have made my greatest mistakes, climbed to the highest mountaintops, and also become the most perfected as a result of my interactions with PEOPLE. The irony is that the lesson that I have learned more recently that I never got previously and only now realize is that PEOPLE will never fully have the ability to walk in unconditional love as human beings because they do not walk in the desire to search a man’s heart before interactions. I guess that is why the GOD relationship is so prevalent and key… GOD KNOWS A MAN’S HEART. GOD KNOWS A MAN’S INTENTIONS and when you are armed with both you are always able to see situations with a different eye and a more compassionate scope of view.
The bible says that GOD chastises whom He loves and I have had to live with a decision I made to ignore His warning signs. Let me tell you that dealing with the repercussions of disobedience to what you know in your spirit you are supposed to do and instead respond to the flesh is no joke. In addition, never discount what your spirit man says. You must always be secure in who you are and you must KNOW that YOU KNOW. Staying in the vibration of a pure heart, with pure intentions, with a love vibration is all that you will ever need to meet this life’s challenges with success. A person who stays in the vibration of love honors compassion and understanding at all costs, and only an individual who has experienced LOVE can ever meet another with such sentiment.
These past two weeks have been monumental for me. The first week was met with anguish, pain, hurt, and strife and the second was met with love, peace, growth, compassion, and blessings. The LORD is so very GOOD to me and my relationship with HIM supersedes any that I could have with any other human being on this planet. As I am moving more and more into purpose and destiny, the shake ups are getting bigger and stronger than ever before. I am being met with more force than ever before and I am learning to STAND. I am still STANDING and STANDING TALL, because what hurts me makes me stronger, makes me better, and makes me human.
THE BEST HUSBAND EVER
04 Jan 2012 Leave a Comment
in LIFE BY DESIGN | DREAMS BY MEASURE, RELATIONSHIPS
So the past few weeks my spirit has been grieved about the nature of sexual sin. I am beginning to believe that one cannot ask GOD to forgive pre-meditation or conscious carnality in action and deed over and over again as if it’s a get out of jail free kind of thing. I came into the New Year with a very changed outlook. While I choose not to share the specifics of everything, there is a time for every THING. I was able to reach out to the woman who was my Deliverance Pastor when I went through the process of being delivered from my sexual lusts and appetite. She was truly able to minister me thru and it was wonderful, because I needed that BRIDGE TO MY RELATIONSHIP with FATHER to be restored once again. My past sins and conviction/condemnation of them was preventing that and causing a gap which exists no more.
This morning during my worship something drastically changed. For the past couple of days I have been proceeding accordingly with ministry and focus and have also not been worried nor concerned about leaving people behind or not waiting for people as I have before. That sentiment is settled and no longer an issue. I am to just proceed and what GOD purposes in business and otherwise will absolutely be. Anyway, I want to share with you what happened and the move of GOD, because yes He does move.
On Monday after my session with Pastor Domino, my travail and heart of sincere repentance was confessed and true forgiveness from Father was extended. As a member of the ministry I am held MORE ACCOUNTABLE than anyone else so my transgressions are with more gravity every time. Nonetheless, it was as if the LORD repaired the tear in my veil if you will. So since Monday I have really been before the LORD and in HIS WORD like never before. I’ve been heavily in the story of David (well actually first Samuel, then Saul, then David) but the entire story of DAVID like you would not believe.
So this morning after I anointed myself with oil something really happened for me. The bible says that we know not what we ought to pray and for that cause the spirit makes intercession for us to pray what we need. I experienced that holy move this morning. It was revealed that all this time I was praying for my husband and THE ADAM and THE KING who is my king and with the expectancy of a “natural man”. TODAY the GLORY OF THE LORD revealed through the HOLY GHOST who made intercession on behalf and corrected my petition and prayer. I had just finished praying for the healing of specific family and friends, and calling out names, etc. and the anointing took over.
I realized that I have been pursuing GOD and the things of GOD and the ministry He has purposed me to do while simultaneously praying for my husband so that the ministry can go forth and begin. Wrong! TODAY I prayed a very loving prayer and it was THE PRAYER and THE PETITION and THE REQUEST that needed to be made so that GOD could oblige. Today I prayed the WILL OF FATHER not with a faint heart or almost total commitment, but I PRAYED THE WILL OF FATHER WITH THE REVELATION OF WHAT THAT WILL ACTUALLY IS.
It was so supernatural. I prayed for the LORD, for HIM. I only want HIM, and I only want HIS LOVE and no other person’s love will satisfy me or do. I only want to BE WITH HIM and for the first time I meant that from my heart and not just my mind. I only want to be in HIS PRESENCE and I want HIM BY MY SIDE. I WANT HIS LEADERSHIP, HIS DIRECTION, HIS GUIDANCE. I only want HIS VOICE, HIS COMFORT, HIS STRENGTH, HIS COMPASSION, HIS UNDERSTANDING, HIS TOUCH. I only want HIM, ALL OF HIM, EVERY BIT OF HIM, EVERY OUNCE OF EVERYTHING HE HAS TO GIVE and offers me. ONLY HIM. Writing about it is actually ushering me back into that sentiment from this morning. So I realized that while all the time I was praying for my husband, my prayers could never be answered because they were “off”.
From beyond the veil this morning I realized and it clicked for me that GOD IS MY HUSBAND, I mean He really is and I experienced that for the first time in my life. I shared an intimacy with HIM this morning that is beyond words. Now I understand where the patience and the peace these other women of GOD have that I’ve never been able to understand comes from.. the surety of who is my husband and that is GOD. It’s such a beautiful feeling and indescribable. So this morning the spirit spoke to me and it all made sense.
I’ve been praying for THE MAN, THE ADAM for me when all I ever had to ask for was that GOD BE MY ADAM and BE THE ADAM for me and appear to walk WITH me so that we can build this Kingdom together as I live through the purpose He has created and designed for me. So I was praying and praying, GOD BE the husband I need to help me raise my children, be the wisdom I need to know what to do in every situation because I really don’t have a clue. GOD be the husband who provides comfort to me, wrap your arms around me and love me. GOD be the husband who provides security for me, cover me and protect me from outsiders, from strangers, from those pretending to be my friends who are not. GOD be the husband who will help me to gain wisdom as I listen to your directions. GOD be all the things I desire, want, thirst for, and need in a husband. LORD, will you MARRY ME?
That’s right I realized then and there what had taken place. I had asked the LORD my GOD for HIS hand in marriage. I asked HIM to BE MY BRIDEGROOM that I was hungry for all these years… years before my first marriage even. The years when I was a young teenage girl wanting a boyfriend and the protection of a knight in shining armour. I felt the presence of the Holy Spirit at that moment and in an instant an overwhelming peace surrounded me and enveloped my heart. I was IN LOVE again and I FELT LOVED back in return. I didn’t just feel the presence of the LORD and His spirit, I FELT HIS LOVE. I FELT THE LOVE I wanted to externally feel my entire life by an external man. I FELT THE LOVE OF GOD as if He WAS a man physically standing next to me. I felt complete. I felt connected. I felt reconciled. I felt in alignment as never before.
I finally understand the MARRIAGE with CHRIST RELATIONSHIP and its reach far extends beyond the natural and the physical. I now have bared witness that GOD’s walking WITH me in spiritual alignment can now be manifested in the natural alignment ONLY IF IT IS HIS WILL TO DO SO because the only person who could ever appear before me as my life partner and husband by the world’s standards is GOD’s LOVE in human form by my side, the REFLECTION of ME of my SELF (which is HIM in me) and that is the only person I could ever be reconciled with or to. I am settled, I am comforted, and I am at peace, and i feel like I hit the jackpot because I don’t have to wait for a husband or a man, He’s already here. It reminds me of that song by Brian Courtney Wilson called Already Here. The lyrics are profound and it has been a part of my daily worship experience because it is so appropriate.
All this time I’ve wanted a husband, and now that I have one I really do feel complete. I have to also boldly with confidence accept that should a physical man be placed before me with an expression or desire for a procession towards marriage, it would be me now waiting for GOD to show up and stand before me and say “hello, I’m here dear.” The most beautiful part of that last statement is that I am finally at a place of acceptance that should it never happen, should GOD’s will for my life be that I live the rest of my days married only to Him, I am secure, confident, and ok with that.
I am at peace and am prepared to live the life GOD has ordained for me no matter what it looks like. I’ve put away my IDOL of relationship and marriage and the world’s definition of both. I’ve put away my loneliness in that thirst for companionship and traded it in for ALONENESS in FELLOWSHIP. I now realize to pick up a relationship of any kind at this point would be to commit adultery on GOD, it would violate the relationship we now have with each other, and I would be dishonoring our commitment and covenant. So here it is I start fresh and new with a clean slate, walking away once again from my flesh, my desires, my lusts, and yes my dreams of having that MAN and instead of being a human being TRUSTING GOD and trying hard, I am no RESTING IN PEACE & LOVE with MY NOW HUSBAND who’s in control. I finally have the leadership I’ve always wanted and it is well with my soul.
Beep Beep… ROAD RUNNER in the house…The BACKSTABBER of the BACKSLIDER
03 Jan 2012 2 Comments
in LIFE BY DESIGN | DREAMS BY MEASURE
This year’s focus for my company, my ministry, for me, is about the RELATIONSHIP of a different kind. This year my focus is COMPLETELY on the RELATIONSHIP I should be having with FATHER. When THAT relationship is in tact and made whole, the individual becomes in COMPLETE ALIGNMENT and not only do the temporal things of this world fall away, but the Kingdom builders and things of the forever will be and do fall into place. I have been quasi in alignment if you will. Sold out to GOD and purpose, but without the FAITH in the things that I held near and dear to my heart, to my wanting, to my desires, and yes even to my flesh.
It’s so funny because for almost 12 years I have been wanting to return to that PEACE I possessed when I woke up from that coma. I can tell you it was the PEACE OF THE ALMIGHTY GOD HIMSELF as I awoke from being with HIM and in HIS PRESENCE. It was the GLORY of the LORD and when I tell you I glowed like a glow worm, EVERYONE NOTICED the ‘something different’ that you couldn’t quite put your finger on but that was there. I know for my person and insides I FELT DIFFERENT, for my mind I THOUGHT DIFFERENT, for my heart I LOVED DIFFERENT. But then life happened, I became disobedient, and subsequently “UNALIGNED”… and have been ever since.
For years I was a runner. I ran away from the calling on my life, I ran away from the ministry… so in effect I was running away from me. Well at least what would be the very best parts of me and my destiny. The irony is that man thirsts to live a life pleasing to himself, yet spends many of his years avoiding that which would bring him the most joy… being reconciled to himself and his SELF for purpose… So I have spent all these years running in the opposite direction of my destiny, too scared, too afraid, and too unwilling to embrace the requirements to chase it and take that obstacle course instead.
Like so many others, I chose what I thought and believed to be the path of least resistance only to realize that my perception of the path of least resistance was actually the deception of the path of the most obstacles, the most hardships, the most heartbreak, and the most pain and anguish. It is crazy how this mind of ours works to twist things, pervert things, and convince us easily of untruths while we struggle to believe the very truth that should come naturally to us. That is why our minds MUST BE STAYED on FATHER, on YESHUA’s HOLY NAME because then and only then are we protected with HIS PEACE and our own INNER PEACE of KNOWING what we should do and must do.
Knowing what we should do and must do. No truer nor more difficult words have been spoken. THAT RIGHT THERE HAS BEEN the thorn in my flesh. All of these years, even up until this past weekend, I have fought with every fiber of my being the surrender of my will for His. The putting down of EVERYTHING for Him. I’m almost ashamed to admit it, but can no longer be. While I know that I appear courageous and strong and all these things, I have allowed my past hurts, pains, fears, panics, and weaknesses to lay dormant and surface at will with different triggers and set up shop. So as a result I have backslid more times than I care to count, although one day the number will be clear, every offense brought to my remembrance, with a pause for an explanation to be rendered for consideration during judgment.
The enemy has always known my weaknesses and since I have a dashboard of available buttons, it is no wonder that they would get pushed at the most inopportune times – those times when the ministry was growing, the anointing was flowing, and I was at the top of my game. This past year has seen the mother board of buttons on push, hold, and just going crazy. That is what my year 2011 was all about… each and every button being pushed and me ‘reacting’ to every one of them (well not every one but enough) with the reflexes of the OLD STEFANY. And frankly I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. While I have been in that space and place before and have been guilty of that sentiment without merit, I can honestly say at this point something has changed.
Instead of putting the pressure on myself to be perfect and walk perfectly and upright, because I know now that I cannot. Instead of trying to hide my sins and/or trip ups behind the cloak of GOD’s grace and mercy; I have purposed to just GET REAL and BE REAL with GOD. I have allowed my faith to be driven out by fear and panic for way too long… and the fear is not something that can’t be conquered, but just something I was unwilling to previously surrender to faith instead. Well no more. Last year in 2011 I fell, and were it not for Donnie McClurkin’s instructions of us falling and getting back up, it could have very well changed everything. And as always I was ready to BEEP BEEP, run and run fast from everything the LORD has been doing, gifting, and purposing in my life. Hence the adversary’s way of BACKSTABBING me the BACKSLIDER.
But what makes this time different from all of the other times, is that I not only had a true heart of repentance and regret, my shame (which is not completely gone I must admit) is not to the degree where I will give up the things GOD has purposed me to do. Instead I will live with the repercussions of my actions and the things I have done in my flesh recognizing once and for all that I am a human being and only by HIS GRACE and MERCY do I operate and am I able to live. I now realize the sentiments of laying down your life for Christ as I am now to the place for the first time ever in all of my years, where I am WILLING and securely ABLE to LAY DOWN MY LIFE FOR HIM.
It doesn’t feel good, in fact, my heart is beating fast with the mere profession of it. But to LAY DOWN MY LIFE means that each and every day my flesh, my human needs, my earthly desires, my heartfelt wants, and my emotional thirsts must DIE and be traded in for HIM and only HIM. My 2011 experience and fallings have taught me that and now I have come to a place where the anxiousness I feel inside is really that part of my character which is FEAR — which senses and knows that it is about to be evicted. It’s a difficult thing to evict FEAR from your person.
I realized a long time ago that even when you think you’ve kicked it out, you realize that it left something behind and not until you stumble across that thing does it make itself visible and present again. So this time I’m driving it out and sweeping clean each and every possible corner of where it could hide. I’m turning things upside down, moving and shifting some things, and I’m airing out EVERYTHING… for now I realize that until I do, it will always have a place to hide! I always said in my platform that you can run but never hide from destiny… truth be told you can’t, but if you are not careful and without FEAR, your destiny can certainly be HID FROM YOU!
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FORGING THROUGH THE NEW SLATE of a NEW NOW…
02 Jan 2012 2 Comments
in LIFE BY DESIGN | DREAMS BY MEASURE
HAPPY NEW YEAR to everyone, and of course I used yesterday as a holiday so this is my first post for the year of 2012. WOW it is so weird actually writing that. There’s something to be said for the NEW. People love new things. New cars, new homes, new clothes, new jewelry, new friends, new relationships, new jobs, new hairstyles, new shoes, new handbags, new coats, new music, etc.. There’s something about this human condition that gets excited when we are presented with the NEW of something. There must be an endorphin release which then sends a message to the brain saying this looks good, smells good, and is GREAT TO HAVE. In fact, when a person is converted and becomes saved, that NEW APPEAL of the GOD relationship has the same draw, and an even greater savor and flavor if you will.
People make all of these plans and resolutions to begin their lives anew at the start of each calendar year. It’s as if there is some invisible line drawn where you will do everything you know you do not want to continue doing and get your fill in of that before the 31st, while making plans for every bit of behavior modification but not a moment before the 1st of the year. The entire thing is confused if you ask me. How in the world does man miss the NEW of the NOW??? Each and every day begins with a NEW DAWN, a new DAY that is here but for a time and never to return again. We receive a NEW SHINING of the SUN, a NEW set of 24 Hours, and every bit of a NEW OPPORTUNITY to be right, do right, and change who we’ve been and how we’ve done things. You don’t need a life altering event or trigger to make that change. The only thing necessary is the outlook that you are given NEW each and every day as soon as you wake up to SEE another day.
Don’t live in the despair or the regret of your yesterday. Don’t live in the fear and anguish of what you feel you may have to face in your tomorrow. Don’t even subtract from the beauty, the value, and the priceless measure of this day, this brand NEW day, by being held hostage by yesterday’s regretting sentiments, or tomorrow’s coming anguish. Instead, try this. The Bible says do not let the sun go down on your anger, meaning don’t ever take to sleep with you any ought against anyone. What if we were to transfer and use that same principle and refuse to allow the sun to go down on ANY vibrational energy or sentiment as it relates to ourselves, our choices, or our outcomes? What if we were to suddenly begin forgiving ourselves 70*7 in a day in addition to our neighbor? Could you imagine that: Human beings walking in the real time, unconditional, forgiveness of themselves?
I know that for me, I have made some mistakes in my past… and no I am not talking my past as in last year although that would be the truth. I am talking last year as in the day before yesterday REAL TALK. There comes a point in time when you become so tired of making mistakes that when you find yourself a repeat offender of what you should have known better than to do, that you actually begin to feel there’s no hope. Now I’m remembering that passage that says, “…that I would not want to do I would do”. I personally believe that our most formidable enemy our entire lifetime is ourselves, because we allow the adversary entry into ourselves and our self which is then like being infected with a recurring cold or flu (depending on your ailment).
We must learn to be creatures of only the BEST HABITS possible. We must learn to inhabit behaviors of WALKING IN THE NOW by forging through the NEW of it all REAL TIME. We must learn to have agape love for ourselves and our personal transgressions and falls (because I believe there is no such thing as failures) so that we can practice and develop the skill enough to transfer that sentiment towards others and make this world a better place. So yes, I’ve had to let the sun go down on yet another mistake I’ve made and live with the repercussion of the pain of that mistake, but not the regret of it. You see, once you’ve sincerely repented for a transgression GOD is just to forgive, so now it’s your turn. Do not allow your mind to convince you of anything other than you get a NEW SLATE. Now take that NEW SLATE and create a masterpiece, because at the end of your 24 hours to do so, what you etch and/or sketch will be gone and you’ll be called to create another!
DO YOU PLAN TO UNWRAP YOUR GIFTS OR NOT…
01 Jan 2012 1 Comment
in LIFE BY DESIGN | DREAMS BY MEASURE
This morning I am walking in a peace where I am able to write clearly, hear clearly, and think clearly about the much too much to consider of things that I must do and need my attention during any given day. It is a challenge when you have made up your mind to make life changes, and then actually purpose yourself to implement what you’ve made up in your mind to do.
I was having a conversation with my new, latest, and greatest mentor Paris yesterday. He is the most loving soul and I appreciate his warmth, kindness, and heart sentiments so much. We were talking about the beauty of LIFE, LOVE and this fire shut up in our bones of being energy beings with so much to bestow, create, give, and contribute to ourselves, one another, and the world at large. During our conversation I felt THE PRESENCE of what is greater than ourselves with us and in us as we connected to the very energy vibration we were marveling over. What a GIFT it is to actually have the SOURCE of ALL POWER, the SOURCE of ALL CREATION within us as the core of who we are. What a GIFT to have our intellect, abilities, skills, gifts, talents, and measures as a mere extension and arms of implementation to draw and ignite that SOURCE as we co-create with GOD all things we orchestrate in our lives… that is if you are in alignment.
As human beings we are all born with the power to be great and the source from which that power comes. What we never realize, or rather realize probably much later on in life, is that we use that power and source all the time because we THINK and ignite our THINKING into ACTION igniting our creation of our BEING and/or present state and set of circumstances which, when going back to the root, starts with the THOUGHT.
This is why relationships of every kind are so important…intimate, family, business, personal, houses of worship, etc.. You truly become the company you keep and when you are not your BEST SELF it is most likely due to your being in the wrong place, at the wrong time, doing the wrong things, with the wrong folks. I gain such inspiration from being around certain people, and I am drained of inspiration being around others. I am learning to listen to my voice by paying closer attention to what my spirit is indicating to me through its comfort levels.
I am learning to WALK SLOW which is something I have never been skilled or good at. I have been a fast paced, warped speed girl my entire life because of how I was raised, and my responsibilities as the sole provider for my 3 children. As I am returning to that perfect peace I once walked with, I realize that it escaped me all of these years because I was outrunning it. That perfect peace was fixed and waiting for me to slow down, slow up, so I could catch wind of its presence. I allowed society to set my course and my speed, and now that I’ve taken back my power to chart my own course (with GOD as the navigation system) and adhere to the speed limits enforced by GOD’s timing of all things in my life, I am having a very different experience.
I am learning the BE STILL AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD… and while initially I fought it tooth and nail (actually for the past 9 months is how long I’ve been fighting this particular fight), I am surrendering to the FLOW and the CALM and going with the CURRENT instead of fighting to swim against it. It is enveloping me and soothing me as I’ve never been comforted or soothed before. It is being in the word of GOD each and every opportune moment I get, and being on my knees in prayer whenever possible, that is calming and taming this thorough bred spirit of mine. My bucking has ceased and I am becoming shaped and formed to the adaptation and form of the WORD. It’s a feeling I can’t explain, too great for words, too immeasurable for sentiment. Yet as I sit here and just write about it my heart beats hard and I have this warm feeling of a quickening love vibration. Yes, I think that’s it. I’m falling in love with my SELF and my self.
Steve Jobs said you are only able to connect the dots when you look back. And as I look back I am able to see where everything fits in, how so many things make sense, and how now that I have surrendered to not making my own pictures from dots from the shallowness of my flesh, and instead begin connecting the dots that have been pre-destinated for me, I am able to see the big picture before I begin plotting the points.
The big picture is the POWER to CREATE was given us the moment we were created. We just don’t begin to develop the skill of our power until we tap into its source. Tap into the source of the depths of who you are, and you will find that everything you’ve ever wanted, desired, or thirsted to be has been waiting to be unveiled and you can do that by beginning with the unwrapping of your gifts.
WAKING THOSE SLEEPING DOGS WITHIN…
31 Dec 2011 1 Comment
in LIFE BY DESIGN | DREAMS BY MEASURE
I don’t usually blog on the weekends, although I am seriously considering it going into the New Year. I am writing today because it is the last day for the calendar year 2011 and I am very much looking forward to the closure of this part of my life. It’s been almost 12 years since I woke up from that coma and was on my death bed. And for the past 12 years my life has seemed like no more than 12 months as I reflect upon it. Time is speeding up more and more and I am just trying to catch my breath to say the least.
I made a lot of strides in this last month of the year. I confronted my past, a major childhood trauma, a major adult trauma and I finally have the closure and peace I needed so very long ago. While I did not have the outcomes or words I expected from my confrontations, I absolutely had the events that took place that have plagued me all of these years, settled within my spirit and I can honestly say with confidence, “it is well with my soul”. I have peace, I have understanding, I have forgiveness, I have compassion, I have grace, I have mercy, and now I am able to go on and move forward.
There are times when I have found myself being selfish, and this was definitely one of those times. For once I did not want to consider the hurt or feelings of someone else and what my “confronting” them would do. For once I just wanted to be selfish and resolve what was within. For the past two months I have been re-visiting my past hurts and pains. I’ve been unlocking memories of a traumatic childhood experience and it has not been an easy toll. Obviously it was one that needed to happen, the last journey down a road of pain and anguish that changed my entire life and the decisions I made growing up. It changed who I was, who I was to become, and how I would see men, women, the church, relationships, and unfortunately myself.
My physical and natural innocence was taken from me when I was 7yrs old (from being a product of molestation). My spiritual innocence was taken from me at the age of 35yrs old (from being a product of church hate and abandonment). It is absolutely amazing how life’s events can have such a profound effect on shaping us. Now that I have confronted both, I am finally FREE and not in the false sense of freedom in my own mind through forgiveness. Truth be told, I forgave both transgressions and transgressors a long time ago. However, there is no better proof of that TRUE forgiveness than to literally stand BEFORE the transgressors and have a genuine love, understanding, compassion, and heartfelt sentiment of “THE WHY” and “THE HOW” it could happen.
My prayer is for those whose lives I shook up in return for their shaking up my life, is that they walk with GOD’s peace and love for the rest of their years. My prayer is that all be well with them and for them. I am grateful that I am able to say IT IS FINISHED and mean it. Waking those sleeping dogs within me cause me to let those dogs out, and now that I have they no longer have presence to weigh me down. I no longer have to feed them, walk them, put them back to rest, or watch them sleep. I don’t have to be scared they will bite me. I don’t have to be scared they will be awakened by anyone else. And I’m so glad!
IF YOU TREAT THIS LIFE AS A GAMBLE… The HOUSE always wins!
30 Dec 2011 1 Comment
in SPIRITUALITY
As I am really beginning to pay more attention to what my spirit is telling me, I am learning that I am absolutely the one who has stood in my own way of many things. I have to bare the responsibility of blocking my own blessings, causing my own stumbles, and making poor choices. While we love to play victim and blame people, circumstances, conditions, co-workers, disloyal friends, jealous relatives, and hating strangers those are all PROJECTIONS of what we are either too blind to see, or too hurt to admit. The truth of the matter is that what we live is a product of WHO WE ARE, WHO WE HAVE BEEN, HOW WE ARE, WHAT WE’VE THOUGHT, THE WORDS WE HAVE SPOKEN, and most importantly of all … what we live is a product of our failure to GET REAL WITH OUR ‘self’ so that our SELF can take over.
That is probably why GOD holds us accountable for our transgressions once we’ve reached the age of ‘knowing better’. There’s a saying that once you know better you do better. Ummm, I don’t think so. Me personally, I have known better in a lot of situations and still have yet to do what is in my best interest. Instead, as a creature of habit, I do what I THINK I should do, or better yet, what I THINK will have the outcome I want. I have more than not, gambled with the outcomes of my own thinking and feelings and sentiments (without consulting my spirit, my intuition, the God I serve) and losing.
I’m learning this LIFE apart from GOD is almost like a Casino. The House (the Adversary) holds the advantage of knowing outcomes and while we sit placing bets and feeding these needs, these thirsts, these desires… while we are mesmerized by the lights, the lusts, and the fancy things in front of us…. we are just spending our time chasing the quick fast and in a hurry dream, and the jackpot that will just come our way by luck and by chance. Never realizing that the eyes of the House are on us the entire time, knowing that the House never loses, and also knowing that our being in that space and place will have no other outcome for us but tragic.
It’s the House’s job to keep us busy, sleep deprived, occupied, and drunk so that we never leave. In fact, the House makes sure that we become so addicted that we reach the point where it no longer needs to lure us with promotions, because we will come back on our own voluntarily. When the records show an unusually long absence is in effect, the House will send gifts and incentives to bring you back, because of course they must be claimed in person. The sad truth is that once you become addicted, the spiral downhill seems uncontrollable and virtually unrecoverable. The saying “go for broke’ is the exact sentiment… the House is going until you are broke and broken. By the time it’s all said and done you could lose everything… your family, your money, your dignity and self-respect, your finances, home, honor, etc..
For me, I’m tired of the flashing lights and sounds of the Casino. I am no longer interested in the beauty of the rooms and space made for me in accommodations. I do not care to hear the pitch nor to try my luck or hand at the big jackpot that I am promised to have access to. I’ve been there and done that. I’ve believed in the promise of what that man whispered to me and told me. I’ve been comfortable in the accommodation of what looks good, feels good, smells good, sounds good, and tastes good. I’ve won big only to lose it all and keep losing. No thank you. I think at this stage for me, ALL BETS ARE OFF. I’ll let those new players who think they’ve got it all figured out, have better skills, and who think they know more… I’ll let them indulge. It’s just not for me. No more games, no more losses, no more gambling with my LIFE.
Instead I will just use what I have been given and find security and surety in that measure. Rather than the quick fix to all of my problems, I’ll just solve them one by one at a slow and steady pace. It can be done, I know it can because GOD will actually pluck them off my list and solve them if I only ask. The Bible says the race is not won to the swift but to he that endures to the end. I learned that my dream of the JACKPOT that I spent all that time gambling, wishing, hoping I would get was the JACKPOT I had access to and won a long time ago… I just had to TURN my thinking and CLAIM my prize. My relationship and alignment with Father is the winning ticket. It is the JACKPOT and the gift that keeps on giving. I get regular dividend disbursements for life and guess what it’s tax free!
The moment I realized the House always wins was the moment I stopped treating my life like a gamble. It was the moment I realized that the House (the Adversary) wanted me to be distracted and gamble with my gifts, talents, and skills because he knew that I could lose them all in the process by voluntarily using them as markers. What I didn’t realize then, which I most definitely know now, is that the PRIZE WINNINGS that the House uses to lure people in, are the everyone else’s losses. WOW that’s deep. Really think about that last statement and say it out loud. The adversary uses other people’s losses as the lure to gain what is yours.
So today, if you are willing and able, cast not your pearls before the swine. Do not voluntarily give your gifts to the house. Instead, hold on and rather than take the easy way out go slow and steady… those gifts will make room for you and you’ll begin to get the disbursements from your winnings before you know it. You are already the winner. You won a long time ago, and have always held the winning ticket. Now go CLAIM YOUR PRIZE and what’s yours!
RETURNING TO MY FIRST LOVE…
29 Dec 2011 3 Comments
in RELATIONSHIPS, SPIRITUALITY
Whew when I tell you that sometimes being strong is one of the most challenging things for me to be. It’s well to my advantage and good fortune that when I am weak (which is more than a little bit), the GOD INSIDE OF ME is there to make me strong IF I allow Him. How many times do we spout off these words and make all these professions, yet DO NOT DEFER to the POWER or the SOURCE WITHIN us? It’s the most mindless thing really… to have ALL OF THIS POWER, ALL OF THIS ACCESS and yet never REALLY REALLY call upon it until the most desperate of times.
I remember it being said that during 911 many people were ‘calling upon the LORD’ in their last breaths and last moments of life and/or fear. Why is it that we call in times of trouble, in times of despair, in times of pain? I guess for the very same reason as parents we watch our children living their lives thinking they know everything with an invincible outlook, only to have them run to us for their refuge and rescue when the decisions they’ve made have brought about consequences they cannot handle or forge alone. It is obviously a human condition because I believe we do the same things during this lifetime.
Again, I would also venture to say that there is a semi-acknowledgement of some form of gratefulness and mention of thanks when times are good. It’s easy to say thank you for we are creatures of habit and the normal inclined response when someone has given you something is to say thank you. So when times are good we say thank you to GOD and keep it moving.
So here we are, using our reflexive response in saying thank you when He has given something to us or done something for us. Reaching for his extended arm of protection and seeking cover when we need to be hid, protected, or saved from ourselves and/or our decisions. There’s something about this particular recipe that does not seem tasteful at all. There’s something being lost in the sauce or rather the middle of both extremes if you will.
It would seem to me that as with any other love relationship, the one that is NURTURED, FED, INDULGED IN, TREASURED and VALUED is the one that will always have the solid foundation and yield the best results. I know that what you do not nurture will die, and what you feed will grow. It is and has always been our choice. We are given the freedom to choose who and what we will feed. I have lived 42 years of my life feeding these emotions, this sentimental heart, this jumping jack flash flesh of mine, and this insecure mind. I am so grateful that as I am evolving, this SHIFT is happening and I am securely HOLDING ON, and courageously GOING WITH THE FLOW.
Since it is my choice and has always been my choice, there is no big conspiracy theory for me to project blame upon. There’s no victimizing my traumas and past, even those experienced as a child for while they were beyond my control, they didn’t kill me and I’m still here. That is all that matters. I will no longer find myself frustrated from others when they lack the compassion or extension of kindness and consideration I give to them… why? Because I GIVE IT. What you GIVE you should always give freely without the expectation of anything in return. That is how I live. I enjoy having a GIVING heart. I am learning how to curb my enthusiasm in that area as well and really be prudent to how much I give, and who I give what to.
I have always been a person who has always given WAYYY too much and WAYY too fast. I fall first and ask questions later. Silly me. LOL. So now I am taking the advice of a friend of mine and I am pulling out all the stops and rolling with THE ONE and THE ONLY who has never forsaken me and always proved loyal through me, my mistakes, and my shenanigans.
I have decided to choose what’s behind door number 2 going forward and make that MY DOOR #1. I’m returning to my first love, the love who created me and gave me life. I’ve decided to invest all of my energy, gifts, skills, talents and the very best parts of who I am into THAT RELATIONSHIP rather than any relationship I would want to have on this earth. I am learning to FEED and NURTURE HIM, and just enjoy myself with all of the other hims he would place on this journey for me to enjoy in the meantime, until the HIM presents HIMSELF before myself as a reflection in him.
